Blah!!!

Ok so no idea what's wrong with me but I just feel really sad and pissed off right now? I should be happy.I mean I just started an awesome new job, I'm gonna get to see my sisters soon and my brother is gonna get to come down here soon and meet everyone. Yet for some godforsaken reason I just feel ugh. I don't know why and I really wish I could figure it out. I just wanna lay in bed and cry and never get up? I know I'm just weird. I have a great group of friends that I could talk to about almost anything and I guess I really just don't want to talk to them about this. I'm use to being the stong one, the one that everyone comes to when their upset and need a shoulder to cry on. I think alot of them would honestly freak out if I just randomly spilled all of this out and started crying. As I write all of this there is a bunch of them around me and I just can't talk to them. I don't know what to do.

Drunken minds speak sober hearts.

To be completely honest with you I never really believe that, until last night. To tell the whole story, one of my buddies from highschool who is more like a big brother than anything else is going to the Army on the 18th so we threw him a going away party last night. We all went over to his house and his mom made a bombass early Thanksgiving Dinner and we drank and chilled. Well Chewy, my "big brother" thanked all of us and asked his girlfriend to marry him! it was so cute we all almost cried right along with them. I was taking pictures because hello I love taking pictures of random things just to remember them and I took on of Dezy, Priscilla, and Caiti and there was a gray floatie in the picture and if you believe in the afterlife that usually means someone is with you in the picture and we all decided it was Dezy's mom which in turn made her cry. Well everyone thought she was crying because of Moose so he got pissed and left. Everyone got mad at him for just walking out on his son and a bunch of drama started and we all had screaming matches and then heart-to-hearts with everyone. I never really thought I would ever get to know Priscilla as well as I did last night but I'm glad I did. I've gained another lifetime friend better yet another sister. Caiti and I also talked out why we both hated eachother to begin with and I've gained another friend there. The way I look at it is ya we all had fights last night but we got alot of shit off our chests and talked everything out. We all needed that to grow. We all grew as individuals and our little dysfunctional family grew also. The fights sucked but we needed that and we're all better people for it and our relationships are all better and stronger for it.

A Day in History

Wow! I honestly never thought I would see this day come. Our country has elected a black president! I know some people are going to be racist and not even see the things he can and will do to help our country. He could be purple for all I care, as long as he does some good. He's made countless promises to this country and lets hope he just comes through with them. The one I was most excited to hear about is he wants to bring all troops home in the next 16 months! Can you believe that? I was in 7th grade when our men and women were first sent overseas, that's 7 years that they have been over there. Ya they might be doing some good helping other countries get back on their feet and creating a democracy, but seriously 7 years? Come on they need to come home already. I honestly think that they only reason that Bush sent troops to Iraq was to finish what his daddy started (Desert Storm). But that's just my opinion.

Eh?

OK so I know I haven't written in like months but ummm what's new? I quit my job at Valley. Finally. After much disagreement and just general bumping of heads I decided it was time to look for a new job. I found one with little effort. On the 17th I start with DDD (Department of Developmental Disabilities) State Run Services, basically the exact same thing I was doing at Valley just with better pay and benefits. I'm still hopefully going to see my sister and everyone else in December, just a mere few weeks! I accidently got in contact with my ex. Well not accidently I guess, I just didn't expect him to even care that I wanted to tell him Happy Birthday. To begin with I thought he had some alterior motive to want to talk to me and I was determined to figure it out without fucking with my own head. Long story short we've both done some much needed growing in the past couple years. I have come to accept a couple things. One being that no matter how much I wish it was different that he will always mean something to me and two that no matter how much I want it or try he will never be the man I wish he was. It sucks trust me but I guess I've come to terms with it and am rather proud of myself for reaching that point. I guess not much has happened. My great grandpa is really sick and has been for awhile. I really hope he pulls through but I guess if he doesn't it's just his time to go. He has lived a productive and long life. I just hope if and when he passes he does it peacefully and painlessly.

Stupid People

So today was a pretty eventful day. One of the bedroom walls at my work is filled with mold and Scott, our maintenance guy, decided to cut a huge ass whole in the wall before deciding that he wasn't going to be able to fix it until tomorrow. So now no one can go in the room because it's damn near impossible to breathe in there. My allergies acted up hella bad when I went in there to open the window to air it out. So now two of my clients now have no bedroom so one was sleeping on a couch and the other on a comfy ass bed I made him.

My buddy changed the oil in my car. It needed it really bad I was like 5,000 miles over the whole 3,000 mile limit. So we went to Wal-mart to buy the oil and the funnel and ran into one of my ex's and his new girlfriend. What fun that was. So we went to my ex's house and my buddy changed the oil and we all chilled for a while. My goal was to not let his new girl know that I'm his ex because ya it's kinda awkward, and my theory of just not letting it come up in conversation work for all of 10 minutes before someone had a big mouth. Surprisingly enough she was hella cool with it so it was a pretty chill night. I chilled with some friends drank a beer and had a relaxing night.

The relaxing night ended as soon as my buddy and my roommate also known as his ex/baby mamma got in my car and started arguing about some stupid shit. I kinda understand where they both are coming from so I tried to stay out of it. I guess thats what I get for being friends with both of them and for some reason having a good relationship with both sexes.

Some things are looking up.

So my roommate finally got a job which is awesome. . . until the question "will you watch my son every weekend so I don't have to get a baby sitter?" Normally I would be cool with it just watching him every once in awhile but she can get DES to help her find a overnight babysitter and she's making more money than I am because she works the weekend shift.

Just 'cuz

I know I'm probably going to come off as looking for attention or sounding like a baby but honestly I don't really care what everyone thinks of this. This is my own personal thoughts and feelings. Right now I'm going through a pretty weird stage in my life. I have an awesome job (well sometimes) and as far as it seems to everyone else I'm pretty happy but that's just because I've just learned to make it appear that way.

I am so lost on some things. One being why after all the pain and turmoil that he has put me through why on earth do I still want my real dad in my life? Honestly I don't have an answer for that other than no matter what he's still my father, half of the reason I'm on this God forsaken planet. Ya he could be a hell of alot better but theres nothing I can do about it. Eventually he will wake up and realize he has two amazing children that are growing up without him. Children that still need him in their lives. But for now I'm done. I can't take any more rejection from him and I don't think my brother can either. We love him and always will but we can't do this one sided love anymore. We've both tried and it's his turn to meet us half way now.

My moms family still pretty much hates me still for something that happened like almost 4 years ago. Honestly isn't it time to forgive and forget it all? I mean come on I was 16. Give me a break. I've changed alot since then and if they're to blind to see that then it's no longer my fault. I grew up and changed. Thats what kids and teenagers do. Some things not exactly for the better but I think the good out weighs the bad.

I miss my "sisters" so much it's hard to believe. They are my only true family. Well atleast I hope they are. I would be lost without them, and thats exactly how I feel right now. They are in Oregon and I'm stuck here in Arizona without them. I can't wait until I'm with them. Thats another thing, I'm about to make probably the biggest move of my life without anyone to support me in any way shape or form. Ya I know I'm 19 almost 20 it shouldn't be that big of deal but to me it is. I'm moving over a 1,000 miles away to a place I've never been before without any back-up plan. Just hope it works out because I can't exactly just move back home if it doesn't.

I for some reason really like this guy I've never actually met. I've talked to him on the phone a few times and my sisters know him so I'm assuming that he's an ok guy. But I don't think I really have a snowballs chance in hell with him and the only person I can really talk to about it thinks it's just a big joke. I'm sorry but to me the matters of my heart and sanity are no joke. I just hope all works well.

I just feel lost right now and I don't know why. I can't even tell you when this feeling started, thats how long it's been since I've been genuinely happy. I just need something to make it right and I don't know what that is. I need everything to be like it use to be when things were easy and normal just so I can get back on track. I need everyone in Oregon to make my like normal and I don't think they realize that.

I know I probably have some amount of depression but right now there isn't anything I can do about it. I'm just so use to listening to everyone else's problems and trying to fix them and covering my own. It's hard and really not healthy. I might seem like a happy teenager on the outside but really on the inside I'm crying almost 24/7 just needing a hug and an "It'll be ok" from someone. I'm afraid that if I open up about all of this to someone it will just scare them or confuse the living hell out of them because no one sees this.