Stupid People

So today was a pretty eventful day. One of the bedroom walls at my work is filled with mold and Scott, our maintenance guy, decided to cut a huge ass whole in the wall before deciding that he wasn't going to be able to fix it until tomorrow. So now no one can go in the room because it's damn near impossible to breathe in there. My allergies acted up hella bad when I went in there to open the window to air it out. So now two of my clients now have no bedroom so one was sleeping on a couch and the other on a comfy ass bed I made him.

My buddy changed the oil in my car. It needed it really bad I was like 5,000 miles over the whole 3,000 mile limit. So we went to Wal-mart to buy the oil and the funnel and ran into one of my ex's and his new girlfriend. What fun that was. So we went to my ex's house and my buddy changed the oil and we all chilled for a while. My goal was to not let his new girl know that I'm his ex because ya it's kinda awkward, and my theory of just not letting it come up in conversation work for all of 10 minutes before someone had a big mouth. Surprisingly enough she was hella cool with it so it was a pretty chill night. I chilled with some friends drank a beer and had a relaxing night.

The relaxing night ended as soon as my buddy and my roommate also known as his ex/baby mamma got in my car and started arguing about some stupid shit. I kinda understand where they both are coming from so I tried to stay out of it. I guess thats what I get for being friends with both of them and for some reason having a good relationship with both sexes.

Some things are looking up.

So my roommate finally got a job which is awesome. . . until the question "will you watch my son every weekend so I don't have to get a baby sitter?" Normally I would be cool with it just watching him every once in awhile but she can get DES to help her find a overnight babysitter and she's making more money than I am because she works the weekend shift.

Just 'cuz

I know I'm probably going to come off as looking for attention or sounding like a baby but honestly I don't really care what everyone thinks of this. This is my own personal thoughts and feelings. Right now I'm going through a pretty weird stage in my life. I have an awesome job (well sometimes) and as far as it seems to everyone else I'm pretty happy but that's just because I've just learned to make it appear that way.

I am so lost on some things. One being why after all the pain and turmoil that he has put me through why on earth do I still want my real dad in my life? Honestly I don't have an answer for that other than no matter what he's still my father, half of the reason I'm on this God forsaken planet. Ya he could be a hell of alot better but theres nothing I can do about it. Eventually he will wake up and realize he has two amazing children that are growing up without him. Children that still need him in their lives. But for now I'm done. I can't take any more rejection from him and I don't think my brother can either. We love him and always will but we can't do this one sided love anymore. We've both tried and it's his turn to meet us half way now.

My moms family still pretty much hates me still for something that happened like almost 4 years ago. Honestly isn't it time to forgive and forget it all? I mean come on I was 16. Give me a break. I've changed alot since then and if they're to blind to see that then it's no longer my fault. I grew up and changed. Thats what kids and teenagers do. Some things not exactly for the better but I think the good out weighs the bad.

I miss my "sisters" so much it's hard to believe. They are my only true family. Well atleast I hope they are. I would be lost without them, and thats exactly how I feel right now. They are in Oregon and I'm stuck here in Arizona without them. I can't wait until I'm with them. Thats another thing, I'm about to make probably the biggest move of my life without anyone to support me in any way shape or form. Ya I know I'm 19 almost 20 it shouldn't be that big of deal but to me it is. I'm moving over a 1,000 miles away to a place I've never been before without any back-up plan. Just hope it works out because I can't exactly just move back home if it doesn't.

I for some reason really like this guy I've never actually met. I've talked to him on the phone a few times and my sisters know him so I'm assuming that he's an ok guy. But I don't think I really have a snowballs chance in hell with him and the only person I can really talk to about it thinks it's just a big joke. I'm sorry but to me the matters of my heart and sanity are no joke. I just hope all works well.

I just feel lost right now and I don't know why. I can't even tell you when this feeling started, thats how long it's been since I've been genuinely happy. I just need something to make it right and I don't know what that is. I need everything to be like it use to be when things were easy and normal just so I can get back on track. I need everyone in Oregon to make my like normal and I don't think they realize that.

I know I probably have some amount of depression but right now there isn't anything I can do about it. I'm just so use to listening to everyone else's problems and trying to fix them and covering my own. It's hard and really not healthy. I might seem like a happy teenager on the outside but really on the inside I'm crying almost 24/7 just needing a hug and an "It'll be ok" from someone. I'm afraid that if I open up about all of this to someone it will just scare them or confuse the living hell out of them because no one sees this.