Just 'cuz

I know I'm probably going to come off as looking for attention or sounding like a baby but honestly I don't really care what everyone thinks of this. This is my own personal thoughts and feelings. Right now I'm going through a pretty weird stage in my life. I have an awesome job (well sometimes) and as far as it seems to everyone else I'm pretty happy but that's just because I've just learned to make it appear that way.

I am so lost on some things. One being why after all the pain and turmoil that he has put me through why on earth do I still want my real dad in my life? Honestly I don't have an answer for that other than no matter what he's still my father, half of the reason I'm on this God forsaken planet. Ya he could be a hell of alot better but theres nothing I can do about it. Eventually he will wake up and realize he has two amazing children that are growing up without him. Children that still need him in their lives. But for now I'm done. I can't take any more rejection from him and I don't think my brother can either. We love him and always will but we can't do this one sided love anymore. We've both tried and it's his turn to meet us half way now.

My moms family still pretty much hates me still for something that happened like almost 4 years ago. Honestly isn't it time to forgive and forget it all? I mean come on I was 16. Give me a break. I've changed alot since then and if they're to blind to see that then it's no longer my fault. I grew up and changed. Thats what kids and teenagers do. Some things not exactly for the better but I think the good out weighs the bad.

I miss my "sisters" so much it's hard to believe. They are my only true family. Well atleast I hope they are. I would be lost without them, and thats exactly how I feel right now. They are in Oregon and I'm stuck here in Arizona without them. I can't wait until I'm with them. Thats another thing, I'm about to make probably the biggest move of my life without anyone to support me in any way shape or form. Ya I know I'm 19 almost 20 it shouldn't be that big of deal but to me it is. I'm moving over a 1,000 miles away to a place I've never been before without any back-up plan. Just hope it works out because I can't exactly just move back home if it doesn't.

I for some reason really like this guy I've never actually met. I've talked to him on the phone a few times and my sisters know him so I'm assuming that he's an ok guy. But I don't think I really have a snowballs chance in hell with him and the only person I can really talk to about it thinks it's just a big joke. I'm sorry but to me the matters of my heart and sanity are no joke. I just hope all works well.

I just feel lost right now and I don't know why. I can't even tell you when this feeling started, thats how long it's been since I've been genuinely happy. I just need something to make it right and I don't know what that is. I need everything to be like it use to be when things were easy and normal just so I can get back on track. I need everyone in Oregon to make my like normal and I don't think they realize that.

I know I probably have some amount of depression but right now there isn't anything I can do about it. I'm just so use to listening to everyone else's problems and trying to fix them and covering my own. It's hard and really not healthy. I might seem like a happy teenager on the outside but really on the inside I'm crying almost 24/7 just needing a hug and an "It'll be ok" from someone. I'm afraid that if I open up about all of this to someone it will just scare them or confuse the living hell out of them because no one sees this.